Date Everything’stitle is not an exaggeration. The game features over 100 dateable characters, ranging from household objects to concepts like “rejection” and “existential dread” to a ghost inhabiting the attic. Players can dateDate Everything’stextbox, the incarnation of its Lavish Edition DLC, and even the developers in a mini-game hosted by Sassy Chap Games' mascot. However, players were shocked to discover that there is one presence in the game who cannot be dated and will, in fact, explicitly turn down the player if asked.
Date Everything’sNarrator Says Thanks, But No Thanks
The player’s adventures withDate Everything’svarious Dateables are narrated by a smooth-voiced, nameless being voiced by JB Blanc, an actor and director known for roles inBreaking Bad, Better Call Saul,and various games, includingMortal Kombat 11, The Elder Scrolls Online,and multipleLegotitles. Blanc’s Narrator is far from a blank slate, frequently dryly commenting about just how bizarre the player’s interactions with the Dateables are. His snark, wit, and smooth voice quickly made the Narrator quite popular amongDate Everythingfans.
With many secret characters, such as Textbox-chan,Lucinda Lavish, and, of course, the Sassy Chap, it was not outside the realm of possibility that the Narrator would turn out to be a secret Dateable. And indeed, players can attempt to date the narrator by activating the Dateviators while standing at the front door listening to the Narrator’s narration about leaving the house. However, unlike the 100+ other Dateables in the house, the Narrator simply isn’t interested - because, as it turns out, he’s not an object or concept, but a working actor.
Indeed, in a hilarious twist,Date Everything’snarrator reveals that he is JB Blanc himself, and that he has no interest in dating the player. He describes himself as “single by choice” and explains that dating in Los Angeles, where he lives, is a difficult proposition. Blanc then calls the player “f-ing nuts” for playing the game and admits that he had no idea what he was getting into when he auditioned for whatRay Chase, Robbie Daymond, and the Sassy Chap teaminitially called “Project Miranda.”
The Player Can Get A Described “Date,” But No Official Ending
If the player continues to insist, he will agree to describe a hypothetical date with him. Depending on the player’s choices, the date can even be extremely sensual, withJB Blancsmoothly describing how he “leaves [the player] satisfied on a level [they’ve] never experienced.” The player can either play along with Blanc’s description, agreeing with everything he says, or insisting “that’s not how things went down,” prompting further snarky interjections from the opinionated Narrator.
Regardless of whether the player goes along with the Narrator’s “date,” they do not receive a Love, Friendship, or Hate ending with the character. The Narrator has no entry in the Date-a-Dex, and the player gains noSPECS pointsfor successfully dating him, unlike the many other secret characters in the game.
The Narrator’s arc is a brilliant subversion ofDate Everything’sformula, the sole exception to the all-encompassing title’scast of gorgeous humanoid objects and concepts. Technically, he’s not the only character in the game players can’t date - there’s no romancing David Most, the antagonistic Valdivian CEO, former manager Tom, or the hacker TinfoilHat - but he’s the only one who turns them down so bluntly. The player’s insistence that he must be a secret character, the shocking reveal of his identity as JB Blanc, and the hilarity of the described “date” combine to create one of the funniest moments in a game already filled with humor.
